My brain is not a safe place for me to be. I don’t think enough people fully get the weight of that. A weight I’m constantly overwhelmed with the burden of carrying. Yet I do it so well people mistake it for strength when in reality my mental health diagnosis has followed me around like a sibling you can’t stand and wish you could get rid of. The doctors say it’ll never leave me so it’s best now if I make my diagnosis, my friend. There’s no poetry or posts that can paint a vivid picture of the war that my brain has declared on itself. Or how I struggle, daily, to understand my own triggers to articulate them quickly to my “friends” and “family” before the next trigger occurs. I’m exhausted. I am always advocating (loudly) to raise the awareness of mental health. I am always actively working on the wiring & rewiring of my brain so yes, I also practice what I preach. I actively utilize my voice to speak for others who also walk in my shoes but have not found their voices yet. Who are wrote off as “crazy” just like me. We’re so crazy we’re misunderstood. We’re so crazy we’re under appreciated. We’re so crazy we’re half loved. We’re so crazy yet so kind, yet so loving, yet so open, yet so free, yet so creative.
I don’t believe in luck but I do believe in God and I am so blessed to still be alive. I’m a suicide survivor of more than one attempt. I’m supposed to be here. I have work to do and purpose still flowing through my veins. The real problem here is how do I get the voices in my head to stop? I’m not schizophrenic but I do know that I’ve always had to wrestle with the spirit of Death and some days I’m so afraid of losing. Or let me rephrase that there’s been so many days I did feel like I was losing and the easiest way to ease the pain would be to take myself out.
I just want my tribe to see me, to stand in the gap on those days, to pick me up when my knees feel weak, to love on the parts of me that feel broken a little more. I’m human not a superwoman. I want to stop being only looked at as strong, or motivational. It’s deeper than that for me. My fight is realer than that it’s ugly not instagramable. Three things I want you to take away from this blog post is: One- Your Mental Health Matters, it always has and it always will. Two - although you may feel weak right now you are equip for the fight ahead. Three - find five trusted individuals to go on this journey with you. Remember healing isn’t a destination it’s a journey and you do not have to be on it alone. Besides it wasn’t intended for us to be anyways. Let your pride go and your real tribe in. I promise they are closer than it may seem at the moment!
Until next time Warriors, I’m out.